Fear and (Self-)Loathing in My Own Mind

Vivir con miedo es como vivir en medias. ~ "A life lived in fear is a life half lived." -Spanish proverb, quoted by Baz Luhrmann, "Strictly Ballroom"

Ten years ago, the bottom fell out of the world. Due to the heinous actions of religious extremists (or government plotters, depending on whom you choose to believe) the spirit of humanity was bruised. The economy plummeted; I was laid off from possibly the best-suited job I ever had. Not long afterward, a neighbor physically attacked me in my own apartment building. From that point on, I lived my life in fear, and I hated myself for it. I've never had high self-esteem, but it got so much worse after all that happened.

Strange how life goes on, whether you like it or not. I have spent the last ten years walking around like a zombie, too afraid to feel anything, or to get too close to anyone. I didn't want anyone to see how much I despised Me, because they might see and hate me too. And of course, they did, in a way. I lost several relationships that might have been good for me, because I could not love myself as much as I loved the other person.

Oprah likes to say, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." That is true, but never so much as when you actually forgive yourself. Nothing can change about where you are, until you accept where you are.

EFT has been extremely useful to me to help me figure this lesson out. One of the primary components of EFT is the repetition of the phrase "I deeply and completely accept myself." Like any affirmation, if you say it enough, you'll start to believe it.

I've been letting my subconscious mind run amok with my Creation, as most people do, and it hasn't been good for me. But here's the good news: the principle of displacement works with the subconscious. If you put a glass of dirty water under a stream of clean water, eventually, the glass will be full of clean water, because the clean water will displace the dirty. If you consistently feed positive thoughts into your subconscious with conscious self-talk, the negative will eventually turn positive. And a subconscious mind full of positive thoughts will help you create your desires in your life experience.

In life, every single moment is a choice, except for two things: we have no choice but to die, someday, and, we have no choice but to live until that day comes. Meanwhile, our subconscious takes care of us, making sure we keep breathing and pumping blood and all that, but it also builds our world, and imprisons us, if we let it. I'm busting out. I'm literally changing my mind. I deeply and completely accept myself. Warts and all. Yes, even the Darkness. Stepping into the Light requires courage; I've had my fill of fear.

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